3 users are viewing this topic (1 guest and 1 dodging)
God, Nick (trying to dodge)

How's that new place going?

go away god

Hi Omar, how was your QTI?

The house itself is old, and kind of sucks. It is from the 40s, so when you go to the bathroom, we have it sealed from the rest of the house (>no A/C) because the outside windows can't be sealed up and have no insulation. So it's like a fucking indoor outhouse. Taking a shit requires stripping down to boxers.

The area itself is pretty awesome, clearly far from St. Petersberg or Ybor City, and about 10 minutes from Mons Venus.

My financial situation is, beyond terrible. I don't think that I have enough money to feed myself for 2-3 weeks (amount of time a paycheck would take if I was hired on the spot and started working tomorrow).

I should probably determine when I should come home.

My friend is probably clearly going to be happy, but when I tried to go out job searching the last few days, I ended up having some sort of fucked up breakdown and fear of people. I've worked in food & beverage as a bartender for the last 5 years (outgoing, works well with people, social, etc.), but as I was walking up to places to go and apply, some sudden wave of fear/panic/terror overcame me each time, and I could clearly man up and do it.

I have no idea what to do, I have since explained to my friend about this, he and I worked on a resume all day (e-mailing, he actually has a degree/career). This is beyond abnormal behavior, I can only help but to think it is extreme amounts of negativity culminating to finally defeating and succumbing to myself. Otherwise, I don't have any idea how to do anything and am chalking this up to complete failure/defeat.

I have also considered some other options, but those are basically last ditch efforts that I don't think will work anyway.

tl;dr - proelbay be home soon cuz skarrred of pplz

I missed you, sugar.


This was my initial concern with your decision. I figured you might have given the oil cleanup job a shot.



Where are you applying?


Bullshit excuse and you know it.

the time for coddling if over. ive felt what you just described. every time i would go to a new customers id have that feeling. and once i walked in the door and said hello it was gone and things were fine. the way i see it you need to stop allowing yourself to create excuses for yourself.

its clearly easy. sometimes scary. we know. but if you dont try who will?

That's pretty deep shit. See, Nick, you still have compassionate friends.

I'm well aware of the situation and that it is entirely irrational and incomprehensible. I can't explain it, or figure out how to change it.

The decision to leave was also made under stretched emotions during a time of arguing with my room mate, and under delusional circumstances.

That being said, I've walked out of the door several times in the last few weeks, looking like a champ, motivating myself with positive thoughts and energy, only to be burned by last second vaginitis.

I had a friend who didn't graduate high school (he went to an alternative GED school and finished before any of us got our diplomas), but he also did clearly attend college, have a legitimate job for any length of time, and had a trust fund of unknown size (he lied about it daily). He then started frequenting a local bar daily, drove around smoking pot and cigaretes, and had clearly worked for several years.

I now know exactly the amount of terrible that he must have been feeling, and understand why he all of a sudden just disappeared without telling anyone he was never coming back (still have clearly heard from him to this day and it's been 2.5 years).

I don't know how to exactly describe this feeling of complete helplessness, but it's among the worst self induced feeling in the world (aside from other legitimate pains).

You don't feel helpless when you're clearly idle. Get a shitty ass minimum wage job and fix your people issue, then quit.

The fear is irrational and up front, before an interview can be done.

Take a Valium pre-interview, you'll be good to go.

Or just grow the fuck up.

That works too.

there is nothing anyone can say or do at this point. you know the issue. you know its in your head. you are facing a battle akin to quitting smoking. its easier to clearly change. change, the unknown, is scary. the known is easy. in the most simple terms man the fuck up and you will be amazed at what having a purpose can do. even if its a terrible job that pays next to nothing. its a job, and its motivation to improve because you hate it so much.

afk

i use smoking because quitting is a mindset, nothing more. i fake quit multiple times before i just decided to quit. i cant explain it, but it was a change in mindset that made quitting smoking as easy as any other mundane decision i make in a day.

and for the love of god understand that you cant hate yourself. you can know yourself, understand yourself, but as long as you are trying to make tomorrow better than today dont hate yourself.

This post has been edited by blind_chief on Mon - Jun 21 2010 - 19:25:13

I have no idea how to communicate this to you in a way that you will understand.

You will clearly be able to make any connection with me by telling me to "grow up", "get over it", "stop being a pussy", "change comes from within", etcetera etcetera.

There is no dividing line on this issue, I have some sort of crippling disorder, you might call it being a baby, I might try to rationalize it as possible paranoid schizophrenia behavior patterns.

I don't know if professional help is the answer, but I must admit, I am much closer than I have ever been in my life to admitting I may have some sort of serious, legitimate problem, and need to seek it.

Either way, you are all much bigger and better people than I will ever be, I am in agreement with you all on that.

I can tell you flat out it is clearly paranoid schizophrenia behaviors, I did take classes on mental health disorders as they relate to the CJ field and a overview of the common mental problems...when I have more time I will read this more, finishing paper currently

a shrink will say you have minor [insert random name from text book] so you continue to have sessions. the sessions will probably give you confidence, which in-turn justifies that you have an issue that needs professional help. and if this helps, do it.

but you forget that we all know you. and you do clearly have some imbalance, you dont have some condition that is to blame. life is clearly that fancy. you have whats called "i have clearly participated in life for so long im scared to let others find out who i am because i dont even remember who i am but i think i dont like myself so im scared and its easier to clearly try cuz then i failed on my own terms". you can say you cant fix it all you want, but you can. all a shrink can do for you is help you adjust your thought patterns, give you some coping mechanisms, and try to show you how to have confidence.

the part you will have trouble wrapping your head around is that your problem is clearly that unique or complex to someone looking from the outside. it makes us feel common. we want to feel unique, like a delicate snowflake. we are clearly. we are an anvil, taking a beating from life with every turn. shit sucks brah.

run-on sentence just for you

Your poop can be summed up here:

wah wah

thats where you are wrong, and thanks for reading and understanding and clearly just stating once again that you cant help yourself. that its out of your hands.

i really hope you dont believe that. go see the shrink for confidence. dont take meds. you dont need them.

I used to drink the same water as you did Joe, please stop trying to push your "everyone is the same bullshit" onto me.

way to paraphrase into something that matches what you want to believe, that you dont have control over your life. diffusion of responsibility is a powerful deterrent.

It doesn't matter if the friend is sitting next to me, or if they are online reading what I can only hope is a better version of what I am trying explain, they do clearly listen or want to believe that something is wrong.

All people have problems, agreed. Some people have worse problems than others, agreed. Some people bring problems on themselves, agreed. All people believe their problems are more important and the worst, agreed.

Now, that being said, I can't seem to explain "feelings" well enough to people. They just want to internalize what is being said, then rationalize it into a certain belief they have, and try to tell me that I am "wrong". Perhaps I may be, but they are MY FEELINGS, clearly random scenarios that I create up for myself because I want pity. This is a life choking feeling of worst case scenarios, I wouldn't wish this upon anyone else, nor do I make this shit up so people can have a good time.

And every time that someone wants to come with the generic response of, "you are fine, suck it up champ, pull your head out of ass, etc.", I want to smash their face a little bit more. And I certainly don't want to share any of my feelings with said persons because it's a waste of time, and I should have just kept my mouth shut and in my isolated whole away from the world in the first place.

And whatever faggot started this site should revive the PM system, so that I can share my feelings without the whole world Google searching them. Fuck my life.

Now I'm just starting to rant, I should be preparing to tell my friend that it is best case scenario if I go back before I can't afford the gas money to do so.

*so

This post has been edited by MoS. on Mon - Jun 21 2010 - 20:53:10

I think you would get along with my friend/room mate Joe, he's an athiest and can sometimes be a self righteous douche as well.

The last few nights we have had discussions of choice versus fate, science versus religion, etc. I can see you both on the same side.

I did hear meds help....but I'm too lazy to get on them.

you say his religion like he's a member of a terrorist group.

i chuckled

and btw, i dont want you to think i am belittling you. i know that you probably are clearly emotionally right atm. im just trying to let you know from experience that most things in life are either how you perceive them or how you handle them. the fact you dont believe this is troubling.

if you read this you are gay

i
c
wut
u
did
der

LOL

MoS. is awesome

the trigger is different for everyone. the trigger for me was just reading something that really made me reevaluate how i viewed things. it does clearly matter, its more about what you want.

afk cuz weve talked about this

Just fucking walk through the interview door. The worst that can happen is they say no, you're clearly getting the job. If you don't walk through the door then the same will happen. You go on roller coasters even though you may be scared. You speed even though something bad may happen. Its the same shit. Even if you're fucking crippled, just keep walking.

Why would professional help be the answer? You most likely won't be able to open up more to a professional than to the users of this board; furthermore, the people here have actually known you for years. Oh, and there's the issue of professionals only worrying about the daily grind: they'll probably diagnose you with some bullshit disorder and prescribe some harmless meds.
After which you will need therapy to remove their educated trolling.

Well played.

tl;dr version of last night discussion:

friend thinks: my home town is bad and that i have no shot at finishing lollege and wants me to stay up here, money is currently clearly an issue and finds me to be a worthwhile investment
i think: location has no relevancy, all problems are inherent of myself and can be fixed with proper attitude changes/get a job, would rather be having my mother support what i can't provide myself for now instead of setting up a potential disaster scenario with a friend

Could provide other details of pro/con going home. Decision is based that I should fix my shit mentally at a place where I won't feel guilty for living and saving some more money so I can come up here later this year and clearly feel like a free loader.

Tu pienses senor ?

the alternative is you may be more motivated to fix things sooner if you feel the "guilt" of being at a friends house. ofc these are clearly things anyone but you can answer.

True, but I also feel that part of the fact is that he himself is somewhat lonely up here with only newly made work acquaintances and the random drinking buddy or two.

OfC

i love reading this shit because it makes me feel awesome about myself.

however, being a failure is awesome. some black bitch in the grocery store in line with me bought 174 dollars worth of junk food, all paid by food stamps. no food she bought was on sale, and she had no vegetables or canned anything that is nutricious. the whole time she was using her cell phone, which is nicer than mine (and i am using spencer's blackberry). i see her walk to her chevy malibu (nicer car than mine), and drive off.

if people who do shit with their lives get to live like that, uncle sam should give me a porsche and champagne for just getting off my ass in the morning

lol'd

weve all seen that person who abuses the system, or at least appears to. that does clearly mean everyone on welfare does. in fact im willing to bet that most are ashamed to be on welfare and present themselves far different when they go shopping. in fact you dont notice them because they are responsible.

Peace has been made, chores have been did, house has been made tidy.

Going to go home, get work, get some money, and move responsibly come back here hopefully getting into a program (thinking about pharmacy tech right now).

Leaving several of my more valuables up here to act as more motivating.

And I meant to poop here last night, I argued about choice vs fate thing for a while Joe, I don't actually believe in fate.

I realize it's my choice to be miserable, and I have the ability like any other human able to think conceptually, it can be changed.

why I like to argue shit I don't believe/care about so much

because we both play devils advocate, and its fun

gl hf dont get distracted

don pull that liberal shit on me. i have NEVER seen anyone present their access card/food stamps and buy responsible fruits, meats, and vegetables. EVER. and i just notice only because i evesdrop when people pay cuz im bored. every time they are buying coke, cheetos, and the expensive brands of chicken strips

have you ever seen anybody use food stamps responsibly?

imo i think that to be poor enough to need welfare, you should clearly be able to afford a cell phone, car, or fake dolce&gabana bags

yes, i have. the point is you dont see them because they shop at the dollar stores and discount food places. im assuming you dont frequent the same places the responsible people are.

but hey, you want to believe that everyone rapes the system because it fits your ideology. you get what you look for, and you wouldnt even know if you were wrong because your mind is made up. a predetermined outcome.

also, lol @ it always being "liberal" or "hippie" bullshit