-Speaker of the House doesn't want to agree with the President because he is black.
-Some chick who was famous died last week.
-Some football team signed a bunch of players, football fans are happy that football is back even though it was only the off-season.
-World champion swimmer wins swimming competition.
-Celebrity couple breaks up, still clearly sure why anyone cares about some TV celebrities. Tattoo artist dates dude who has tattoos everywhere that isn't covered by a t-shirt and jeans, was probably upset when she found out that they stopped just past his elbows.
-Private corporation makes profit, capitalism hasn't stopped working yet.
-US Government accidentally sold guns to criminals, criminals killed people with guns.
-Some football team also did something.
-Biography of Norwegians new famous mass-murderer.
-Football again.

Slightly modified news quotations:

Brett Favre, Dallas Cowboys, Michael Phelps and Today's Sports News
Michael Phelps' week at the Swimming World Championships has really gotten off to a rough start. Shortly before Tuesday's loss, however, Phelps realized he had forgotten a crucial piece of equipment: his swimming trunks... Brett Favre did the same ting before taking pictures of himself.

Obama, Boehner make us feel very small
In back-to-back speeches Monday night on the debt-ceiling crisis, President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner finally told us what they really believe. The guy named Boner isn't expected to win the dick-waving contest.

Glenn Beck sparks fury by comparing shooting victims to Hitler Youth
It's still news that Glenn Beck is making intentionally inflammatory remarks to get attention.

this is like a scandal sheet
only it has nothing to do with us

but its still LOL

BREAKING NEWS WORLD CHAMPION SWIMMER WINS SWIMMING COMPETITION

I heard the eagles and packers are interested in Favre LOL