Maybe someone cares:

So I met this girl last fall when we both started at university. We both study the same thing and are looking to get into another university next fall through really hard entrance exams (we've both tried getting there before and failed). That situation alone is kind of stressful because it could mean that one of us
gets there and the other stays here. We are both stressed out about the exams and she really needs my emotional support on pretty much daily basis. Sometimes she also doesn't like when I'm studying for the entrance exams with her because she thinks that somehow hinders her studying or something weird like that, as if I didn't have as much right to study for the entrance exams as she does. I try to understand her because I know getting into that university would mean the world to her. We are clearly going to break up if the other has to move to a different town to study so that's clearly really the issue here, I'm just giving you some background information.

She had a really tough break-up with a boyfriend a few years ago which is why she is afraid to commit and she says she can't love me (or anyone for that matter) right now. I knew this fairly soon after getting to know her better and figured it could change, so far it hasn't. She wants to keep our relationship hidden from the public, probably because she can't commit to a "real" relationship. It all just feels really weird because we click on so many levels, share everything together, see each other daily, sleep at each other's places, do things together and affect one another on many, many levels. I know she genuinely likes me a lot, I just wish it was more than just liking. She is the most important person in my life and I'm the most important person in her life. I've told her several times that I love her and at some points she has been afraid that I would stop loving her (which is kinda worrying because it's clearly that I don't show that I love her). Yet she can't love me the way I love her because of her current situation and past experiences.

She is really all I could ever wish for. I told her about a dream I had where I asked her if she loved me and she didn't reply in the dream. Her response to the dream was that she was about to say that she loved me but she couldn't because she wouldn't really mean it. It can also be kind of tough to try and support her and keep her from being depressed about anything (usually entrance exam-related stuff) on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels so weird to love someone so much and support her and do everything for her knowing at the same time she doesn't love you back. Even more weird when you take into account that she is afraid that I'll stop loving her.

I just wish we could be a real couple with mutual love and no hiding from the public. Sometimes I don't know what I am to her. It would be so much simpler just to be a boyfriend. Instead, when a guy approaches her (she is very good-looking and otherwise charming as well), she tells them she has something going on with a guy so she won't go on a date. Also it's kinda worrying that she expects me to love her unconditionally (which I do) and she just likes me and pretty much wants to hide this whole thing from everyone. What do you think? Does this all sound very weird to you? Am I just so in love that I'll cope with this current situation of her clearly loving me while hoping that it could change in the future? Can this even work in the long run, even if we're happy now?

dont have time to read now, will read when home from work tonight

this sounds pretty weird to me, obviously she is expecting unreasonable things from you when she is clearly willing to return them. if you truly love her, then that trumps everything, but it sounds like you are clearly being treated fairly.

also, it may be harsh, but it sounds like she either loves your or clearly. if you love someone, it doesn't matter what your history is, you can't help but love them. maybe she loves you, but it just afraid to say it. if she doesn't, you are just being jerked around and you will only get hurt.

Forgot to mention one important thing: in November we had a small fight when we were really drunk and her (then) best friend approached me later that night and we ended up kissing. Her friend didn't remember anything about that but I told my girl what happened, even if I knew she would probably never find out. That whole incident was pretty horrible for a few weeks to a month but we sorted it out and it brought us that much closer. This incident happened before we had even kissed or I had told her that I loved her so there was no "relationship" yet but still something. Plus we were really, really drunk so that makes it less worse I guess. Still feel bad about it because I almost lost something very good in my life because of being too drunk. She has convinced me that she is really over it and doesn't want to think about it but I can never know. Obviously it affected her in some way. Other than that I have never been bad to her.



Thanks for the comment man, maybe you would have responded a bit differently if you knew about the drunken idiot incident. But I appreciate your honesty, it's exactly what I want. A point of view from someone who has distance to this whole thing.

I just thought of the incident above because that could mean that she isn't over it and can't love me because of that. She hasn't brought that whole kissing thing up after we dealt with it. She did tell me about the ex which made loving impossible to her before that incident so I guess it isn't that then.

This post has been edited by Norse on Wed - Feb 26 2014 - 12:58:56

i don't know the girl, obviously, but if the incident from before is still a problem she should at least talk to you about it. i just don't get the feeling from what you have said that she is willing to open up to you, emotionally, and you deserve better than that.

but ofc if you love her, thats all that matters, and you have to fight for it no matter what

[MoS.]
It sounds to ME like you are living every guys dreams, verbatim... You have a girl who doesn't want a title but is committed nonetheless. However, girls are girls thus making them weird as shit and even weirder to understand. I just know from past experiences (and when Jp used to cry about these things) that when you double guess yourself usually the first instinct is the winner.
However I see the issue for you, being as you want more than just friends with benefits and a one way street.
My advice to you is to imagine your roles reversed and if you do believe she would do it for you then it might be well worth the investment.
Good luck

[/MoS.]

its time for her to stop living in the past
communicate that while it is regrettable that you had a bad break up, that experience is over and so its time to grow and move forward with me, aka, the future / your future
as for the school thing, that sounds like a very delicate sidebar that could just fuck up everything regardless if she comes to her senses about how she feels
so alas, donno
but good luck!

Ahhh the past is tricky. A lot of gals never give up the past - those ghosts
seem to haunt them forever.

You can try and get her to talk about it more and maybe that'll help bring closure.
You can also try and tell to focus on the now.

That being said, you can also reassure her you know this is hard, and you
are willing to put the work in, but she has to meet you part of the way.

The uni issue is one that as Gary said, could still blow everything up even if she
and you can work past the baggage.

Thanks for the replies dudes, I kinda knew I'd get some wisdom from here. I know the whole (best) friends with benefits thing could have been great and that was the plan early on but then we started developing all kinds of feelings, mine stronger than hers. The whole role-reversal thing was a pretty good idea Raffles.

I'll probably talk to her about this during the weekend. She tends to dwell on the past quite a bit so that makes focusing on me and the now that much harder. She has told me that she wishes she could love me so I guess that's a good thing.

As for the whole university thing, I agree, it will change a lot of things no matter how it unfolds. If she gets there she'll get some kind of security in her life and she could start focusing on working things out from the past instead of focusing just on getting into the university. I just hope we both get there because having a 3-hour train ride between us doesn't make things any easier.

E: Also it would be pretty great clearly having to keep a really important thing like this hidden from my m8s even if some of them know we have some sort of relationship going on. clearly a real big fan of secrecy and hiding in the first place.

This post has been edited by Norse on Thu - Feb 27 2014 - 02:37:54

You can tell her the truth
which is that you love her and she can tell you she loves you when she is ready
and then stand by it

Both of these really, it sounds as though she wants and is using you as an emotional anchor of sorts while trying to get ahead but clearly sure if she wants to commit. I would say tell her how you feel and that if its meant to be then it will all work out in the end.

I dont really understand why she wants to keep it hidden, unless she thinks that by saying you are dating people will assume other things like you plan on being together for a long time?

I guess the hiding comes from her clearly wanting to commit. The emotional anchor sounds pretty accurate, but without any commitment it sometimes feels like I'm just a behind-the-scenes pair of ears and comforter. But yeah I'd probably be better off telling these things to her. Thanks a lot again, I really don't have that many people I could talk with about this. Have to hide it from my friends and don't know if hometown friends could really help me out here.

Was supposed to see her today but she forgot she had promised to go to some skating event and now she is going to the after party as well.

Obligatory feelin' bad for you son.

I got 99 problems
But a bitch ain't 1

It sounds like she is 12.

Dump her.

Don't ask me why.

Thank me later.

This is solid advice in my current situation.
Talked to her about all this and she told me she loved me and has loved for a long time, just clearly as deeply as I do. I asked about the hiding and after some dodging I got an answer. The idea that she would be ashamed of me had crossed my mind but I thought she was better than that. She said that because she is such a perfectionist that she would want a man who would be a bit better-looking and more charismatic leader type of guy. Just like her ex, who was also a narcissist, but hey, he was perfect otherwise. I was pretty disgusted at how she had led me on all the while knowing that I'm clearly what she really, really wants. She told me that her sister is also very shallow and appreciative of looks even if she is clearly that good-looking herself. What the fuck?

This morning she tried to convince me that she loves me even if I'm clearly perfect. We were supposed to have sex in the morning (I slept there) but she cancelled that while I was buying condoms and stuff. I'm going there again tonight.

I'm clearly gonna tolerate this shit for long. She is going to meet a person next week who has previously been able to get some sense in her. If that won't work, well, I don't know how this will end up. Obviously she says she wants to change but it's hurting me to be with someone who is ashamed of me in a sense. She said she could be a bit more open about this relationship but I'm clearly really convinced.

She is using you.

She thinks she wants an Alpha. She thinks you are a Beta.

Dump her.

If you love her,
Let her go,
If she comes back, etc.

Good luck.

shallow girls are the worst! it only gets worse from there!

cant really believe she would say that shit like who the fuck is she

hashtag love line

your sig doesn't get old

Get her pregnant.

Even your sig knows what a colossally bad idea that is.

It may actually be the best plan of action to locking her up.

Unless of course she wants an abortion...

Even if she doesn't it'll just force them into permanency when they
aren't there yet, which will lead to a lot of resentment and hostility
as they grow older.

nick has nailed the simple truth here. shes just clearly emotionally in the place you are. there are 3 outcomes.
2% chance you stick it out, show her you are there for her no matter what, she gets past her issues and forever loves you for your patience
98% chance she is clearly capable of more, clearly until she learns whatever life lesson she still needs to learn. at some point you will always be "that great guy who was just at the wrong time for her".
100% change you forever resent her for putting you through an emotional roller coaster all because she is afraid that life is scary

god speed. only you two know what you can and cant work through and what cost is worth it.

Thanks guys appreciate you taking the time to help me out here.



Yeah that is really clearly a good idea, we're still young and both have a minimum of 4 years left of uni before a degree, 5.5 if we get to study psych. And I don't think I really even need to 'lock her up'.

We talked about the whole hiding thing a lot and she told me that it's clearly because of me, it's because of her. So even if she was with an alpha she wouldn't be comfortable because then she would think if she is good enough for him. She said if she was completely content with herself she wouldn't care with whom she is. I think she is also beginning to grasp how fucked up it was to hide from me the real reasons of hiding. I basically asked her "So let me get this straight, you think there is nothing wrong in hiding the fact that you always thought I wasn't exactly what you wanted me to be?". She was like "Now that you say it like that, it sounds really wrong".

Spent the last two nights at her place and everything has been really good after the long, hard talk. We both talked about each other's biggest flaws openly. Going there tonight as well. She told me several times how crazy she is about me and it has always been her idea to have me stay there for the night.



Maybe I'm an idiot but I really think this could work out. She has been through a lot tougher shit than this. Having studied psychology I'm sometimes debating whether I'm living in denial and positive illusion, but then again when I'm with her everything seems to be great and I want nothing else. I'm clearly expecting her to change overnight, just want to see some progress to know she really wants to change.