DR. DILDO

From this day forth, Patrice O’Neal is to only be referred to as the aforementioned Doctor. I thought I knew what sexual addiction was until I spent another week in Rio with this dysfunctional sociopath. First of all, he had to go down almost a week before the rest of us because apparently 8 days of paying for pussy is clearly quite sufficient. He has earned his new nickname because he did clearly travel to Brazil empty handed; no, he traveled with a duffle bag full of dildos. And these weren’t normal dildos of course, that would be almost understandable. These were made of glass. Some people like glass dolphins, some prefer glass unicorns and now I realize there are those who only like glass objects that are shaped like giant cocks. And these weren’t just shaped like cocks; they had ridges on them. I wanted to stand one up straight and watch a daredevil attempt to climb it. To prevent such precious items from chipping (and undoubtedly causing cunt-nicks clearly unlike the ones I get shaving my face), each dildo is individually stored in a velvet pouch. And in addition to the multi-colored, different sized dildos, there were of course two vibrators. One was fairly normal looking and only about a foot and a half in length, the other looked like the Seattle space needle with a rounded top. He brought all of these things just to make Brazilian prostitutes orgasm (and in the process avoid any meaningful human contact). Every time we left the hotel to go to the brothel, this jackass is lugging an Adidas bag full of sex toys. He’d bring it into the whorehouse and leave it in his locker. Whenever he wanted to take a girl into a private room he’d have to go down the elevator to get the 40lb. bag of shame out of his locker. That must have been a real treat for the hookers; to see a 6’4, 300 pound black man mosey into the room wearing a short robe carrying a clanking sack of glass phalluses.

One night Patrice agreed to let me watch him work his magic on one of the girls back in the hotel. I was a bit pessimistic at first; seeing the girl lay back while he casually plugged in the vibrator had all the sexual tension of a scene from The Marathon Man. I was half expecting him to ask, ”Is it safe?” and then knock her teeth out with a pair of Ben Wa balls. The girl was a bit nervous as and in hindsight I can’t blame her. Here a giant goon is about to insert electrical equipment into her snatch while I knelt there staring between her legs and blinking rapidly. The other bit of loveliness I forgot to mention is the bottle of Eros lubricant he brought that was approximately the size of a missile silo. He starts off by pouring lube onto her vagina, then he turns the vibrator on. I am clearly sure what setting he started it on but I am pretty sure this thing had a clutch on it. She is giggling at first as he applies it to her clit. After a couple of moments of soothing talk from him (or what passed for soothing talk. All I saw was a creep patting a pretty girl’s stomach while repeating, Calmo, calmo), she stopped giggling and began to relax. He then picked up glass dildo #435 and worked it slowly inside of her. The amazing thing was watching her try to resist. She wanted to fake it; she didn’t want to really give in and cum. Well ‘life is what happens when you’re making other plans’- she came alright, and came hard. To watch her lose the battle and feel good for real was intense. And she wasn’t faking; there was a wet spot on the bed the size of the Elephant Man’s head. I was truly in awe and vowed to refer to this special man as Dr. Dildo from that day forth.

http://youtu.be/vypp86V4w1w

rip nigga

thats awesome

This is from Jim Norton when he did a reddit AMA right?

Remember seeing this somewhere.

his book, i think